Brace yourself: the ultimate guide to Beijing's dos and don'ts

My very first memory of China was when an evil December wind slapped me in the face as I stepped off the airplane and on to Beijing soil. At that moment, improperly clad and shivering in a cotton blazer and T-shirt, I had a screeching thought: I am so unprepared for this place.

Of course, I would find in no time that I was more right than I knew, and my lack of readiness translated into more than just a penchant for picking out the wrong outfit. I hadn't ridden a bike for about a decade. I figured speaking like a local would be as easy as learning Pig Latin. I thought the stores would carry shoes in my size. I would soon learn.

I just had my one-year anniversary in Beijing and, in that time, I've also come to realise through friends' advice, self reflection or extraordinarily embarrassing incidents that:

I don't actually look like a movie star. However I do own a shameless number of knock-offs because vendors told me I did.

There's no shame in ordering gongbao jiding (also known as "laowai chicken") again. Don't mess with a classic.

Being frugal is a curse if it prevents you from getting an ayi, a water cooler, a humidifier, a coffee maker or a proper pillow. You will wake up every morning wishing you had them.

Resist buying the following just because they're such great deals: Multiple polo shirts, polyester socks from the vendors outside the markets, that cheap tea.

When biking, stay safe by always using the "local shields."

Good luck charms, gourds, rituals and TCM remedies do work as long as you believe in them.

Using chopsticks for rice is simply inefficient; put the bowl to your mouth (and your mother's voice aside) and shovel.

Come to grips that a Western size small is an XXL in China. Accept it, embrace it; cut off the tag.

The fuwuyuan (waitress/waiter) doesn't like to be hugged.

Although its price might make you think otherwise, Tsingtao is beer, not water. It will feel like beer in the morning.

If you don't know the characters for anything, at least know the one for your gender. Enough said.

Elbowing on a subway is not impolite. An elbow to the eye is.

Though the lows are lower here, the highs are much higher.

No matter how much he nods, never rely on a taxi driver to know where he's going.

Hang out with locals, they can teach you a lot. But don't forget to hang out with other foreigners; they can teach you something too.

If you rely on other people to communicate for you, you will encounter crisis - or wind up eating dog meat.

Whatever you do, don't go to Badaling Great Wall) during national holiday.

Despite the success you witness every day, sitting on the back of someone's bike is a very bad idea.

The "Freshman 15" does not even begin to compare with the "Beijing 15."

Someday you will appreciate the fact that you took a picture of yourself in front of dragon-shaped trashcans.

A sheepish grin covers a multitude of cultural sins.

Beijing is not just a place; it's an experience. Prepare yourself accordingly.